I felt compelled to come here and release some emotions that I have pent up over the last couple of days.  While rifling through recent posts, I noticed that the pent up emotions that I’ve recently written about were all negative ones, I decided to come here to release good emotions.  I’m in love; I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it.  I have found a man who I connect with mentally, sexually, and more important, emotionally.

It could be my tainted memory, but in my past relationships, I don’t remember the thought of being gay coming second to being in a relationship.  With him, I sometimes forget that being gay is different; that some people gaze at two men holding hands with all of the fires that are going to burn them in hell.  I will sometimes catch myself forgetting that some people might care if I hold your hand or if I give you a peck in public.  To me, you and I aren’t gay, well we are, but we’re just two people enamored by each other.  Before, I felt like having a boyfriend was to prove that I was gay as if exiting the closet wasn’t enough, I had to bring someone out with me.  With you, I forget there is even a closet, that there is something to be ashamed of.

You also make me scared that I’m going to disappoint you.  I have been so true to myself, I fear that it’ll scare you away.  You can probably tell with how often that I second guess myself when I interpret what I’m asking as demanding.  You’re so patient with me, passing it off that you don’t like to make decisions.  You truly understand who I am as a man and it doesn’t go unnoticed.  Where I once thought of a relationship as a competition of who can gain the most out of the time spent together, I now don’t care if I lose.  Even if we spend more time with your friends doing what you want to do, I’m happy just being there with you.  It’s not that I don’t like your friends or what you like to do, it’s just that the old me would consider that a loss, but now, all losses are wins as long as they are with you.

You have changed me into a person who thinks of himself as more than just one being on this earth.  My thoughts revolve around what are we doing this weekend.  Two lives become one.  I know that I’ll often propose ideas expecting you to offer something else, although you rarely do.  Still, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking about you and I would never offer something I didn’t think you would mind doing.  You are as much mine as I am yours and I hope you know that although it often feels that we are doing more of what I decide to do, I would easily conform to anything that you want to do.

Now, I’m writing this on the night of our unofficial 4th month anniversary (mensiversary).  That was the night you and I were talking with our neon freckles thrown from the ceiling about our ambiguous titles for one another.  It was then that we decided through tequila stained breath that we would share our tequila stained pasts with each other.  We were so happy to share it that we ran back to our friends, the same friends that coordinated our first meet up months earlier, that their clever plan had worked.  It was that same emotion that I felt less than three months later when I decided that I wanted to tell you I loved you.  I couldn’t hold it to three months like I had wanted for arbitrary reasons.  I wanted shout out the window that I loved you.  I think you would have been very embarrassed.

Honestly, I hope one day, you find this, most likely due to me telling you.  You can scroll through my past posts and get a feel for Angsty Jacob and how disparaging he was back in high school when he got his first blog.  I haven’t shared this blog with anyone, but one day, hopefully I’ll feel open enough to share it with you.  Then we can discuss how much I hated my dad or how thoughts of death consumed me in my adolescence.

Anyways, baby, I’m writing this because I feel like I may have emotionally cheated on you with someone who was once a crush.  I want to tell you and I will tell you because I don’t want to lie to you and I want you to hear my emotions surrounding it, but I wanted to confess all of the love that I fell for you first.  Because, although it felt like cheating, I was immediately brought back to reality when I saw you yesterday.  You are truly the best match for me and you didn’t require a swipe.  I hope you keep me around because I’m enjoying the ride (even if I’m the one driving and glancing over at you in the passenger seat, most likely sleeping after a caffeine crash).

P.S. I could have made this dirtier, but I’ll save all of that for the bedroom 😉

Love,

Jacob